Protecting My Husband. 

Dear Nigerian Husband, 

You’re God’s gift to me and as gratitude and respect to God, I vow to take care of you however possible. Hence, the reason for this letter. 

Over the past days, I’ve been thinking of ways to protect you from the elements of this world. I promise, these might sound a bit crazy, but nothing good comes easy and believe me, it’s all for our own good – a happy family. 

There are a few things I’m going to be steering you clear off:

Sugar –  Sugar is bad, very bad for you. Until we meet, please don’t take any, not even a teaspoon. We’ve heard one too many songs about women being the sugar in their partners’ tea. My love, I’m the only sugar in your tea, you’re not allowed to have sugar until we meet and even then, sugar must be consumed only in my presence.

Cockroaches – Now, its common knowledge that most people don’t like roaches. Darling, your dislike for this creepy insect should be above the avegerage human’s. I should be the only cockroach in your wardrobe. The only one capable of pressing your buttons. That’s it for that. 

Females – Dear Nigerian Husband, trust me on this one. Females are very sinister. Among numerous others, my duty is to guard you. I’ll say this as simply as possible; you’re not allowed to talk to females. There are a few exceptions: your mother, your sisters. As for your sisters, there’s a clause. Communication with them will only be approved after you’ve shown proof of relation. Birth certificates and official word from your mother will be acceptable. Any communication with females outside this circle will have to go through me. Most females already know communication with you has to go through me. But should there be any who doesn’t value her life and insists on talking to you, Dont hesistate to tell them you’re taken and not allowed to say anything further. Thank you. 

Honey – For reasons, please refer to number one – Sugar. 

I’ll save the rest for later,I don’t want to bug you with anymore for now. 

Yours in marriage, eventually,

Nigerian Wife. 

Home Sweet Home. 

I’m heading home to surprise my parents and I couldn’t be any more excited than I already am. But while in this bus, I can’t help but fall in love over again with my state – Plateau State. 

This, here, this beautiful land is the place I can lay claim anytime any day. The place my people, the Berom people flourish. 

The place wheee the food is tasty, fresh and rich. I’m in love all over again. I love you Plateau. 

Christmas Dinner. 

Dear Nigerian Husband, 

You’re missing out. I don’t know what else I need to do to show you I’m ready for marriage. 

I’ve done almost everything I possibly can. This Christmas has to be the peak of it all. 

I hosted Christmas dinner for the umpteenth time. I have photos to prove it all! 

Next Christmas I better be cooking all of these in our matrimonial home. I know I said 2016 is the year we seize the bae, but 2017 is really the year. 

I’m done. Look at the photos and the people who enjoyed your woman’s cooking. I’m mad. Bye. 

Oh Christmas Tree. 

Two years ago, I made a great investment; I bought a $50 Christmas tree. 

The owner of my gym enjoys decorating anything she lays her hands on, so each hear, she decorates Christmas trees and sells them. Three years ago, I purchased one and I still own it to this day. In fact, it’s Christmas Eve and I just put up my tree. 

By put up my tree, I mean, I simply pulled it out the closet it’s been hiding in since last Christmas, and plugged it in. Everything still works. I’m going to keep this tree until Beautiful Man and I can buy our first tree and decorate it by ourselves. 

Merry Christmas, folks. I wish you peace, joy that comes from Christ and lots of food and laughter. I have a menu to put together. No rice this time, we shall make moin moin for Christmas lunch.