Archive | January 2015

Could I Be A Lesbian???

I love to poke fun at my life, so please don’t take this too seriously, but if you do, I feel sorry for you! lol

Nigerian Husband (Please notice the absence of “Dear.”)

You’re taking this thing too far now. I recall a few months ago, I wrote tophoto-4 you when some guy disrespected me while walking to the office. I also remember writing to you when you refused to show up to bid me a romantic farewell at the airport in Barbados in July.

Something painfully disappointing happened again this morning. This might be the last letter I will write reporting my bad experiences with men who are disrespectful and uncouth.

I left the office to go get me a drink when this guy who works at a law firm not too far from mine stopped to interrogate me.

So this guy who I hardly know and have never said a word to beyond “good morning,” seems very concerned about my personal life. Surely, he should be privy to what I do outside work, i mean, our offices aren’t too far away from each other, he should and must be entitled to such information.

Just when I thought I had heard the most ridiculous questions there could ever be, this man asked “so do you have a boyfriend?” My reply was no. It didn’t stop there. “So why don’t you have any?” he added.
I politely told him that wasn’t on my radar at the moment and then he dropped the bomb… “So are you into men or women?” Continue reading

Because He is A Muslim.

Dear Nigerian Husband,

I’m not in the best of moods this morning, so pleasantries will have to wait till another letter.

I may not show this often and I maphoto-3y not say this out publicly a lot of the time, but my family means the world to me. I’m very aware of the fact that should anything happen to me, friends may leave me but family will stick closer and longer than anyone else.

With that said, my younger brother is one of the folks on earth I can literally take a bullet for. If I had the world, he’d lack nothing.

I woke up a few hours ago in a very sour mood because in my dream someone ill-treated my baby brother (He’s almost 21, I probably should quit calling him’baby-brother soon.)

In this dream, my brother who for some reason was still in primary school decided to audition for a role in a movie. He was fortunate that among hundreds of other contestants, he got to meet the judges. He was asked to act out a scene and before he could even begin, some official came and whispered into one of the judges’ ears that my brother is a Muslim and he shouldn’t be allowed to even be there for audition.
That broke my brother’s heart, he just sat at a corner weeping. I was passing by and saw him crying and decided to ask what was going on, I was enraged when he told me what happened. He clearly had a chance of getting a role in the movie, but wasn’t even allowed to say a word before he was thrown out.

Of course, I couldn’t let that official go free without giving her a piece of my mind. I took my brother my the arm, we walked in and I demanded to know who she was and what gave her the right to discriminate against my brother. I told her she should quit denying people of opportunities just because of their religious beliefs.

In the dream he wasn’t actually a Muslim and just happened to have a relative who was muslim. In reality, he isn’t a Muslim either.

So Nigerian Husband, this is where you come in.

When I woke up, it got me thinking. In a few weeks, hopefully, you and my fellow country men and women will head to the polls to decide the fate of our dear country for the next four years.

I’ve been trying to stay away from politics/election talk for so long. The insults and blatant disrespect of others’ opinion and choices that I’ve read and heard on social media over the last few months has been so heartbreaking and embarrassing to say the least.

But with this dream I couldn’t help but let the feelings I’ve had out. I’m hoping you and others will make the right choice with your votes. I’m hoping you and other electorates will choose a leader who will ensure that my baby brother, and for goodness’ sake, the children we will have shall not be discriminated upon or denied opportunities just because they choose to acknowledge a higher being/God differently from others.

Please, as you decide who to elect in a few weeks, I hope you think carefully on why you are choosing that person. Will that person Muslim, Christian or traditional worshiper create an environment healthy enough for our children to strive? Will this leader Muslim, Christian or traditional worshiper make our children safe at school? Will this person assure me and ensure that I can go to the market to shop for the family without being scared for my life? WIll this person make it possible for Nigerians to stop lining up for miles for oil/gas/petrol- something that we have in so much abundance in the country?
Dear Nigerian Husband, will this person- Christian, Muslim or traditional worshipper fix the economy and finally restore the value of the Naira?

My Dear Nigerian Husband, I hate to be a nag, but please put all these into consideration. I’ll like to see a different Nigeria. I’ll like us to raise our kids in Nigeria, where they are sure to have the same or close to the same upbringing as what we had. I’ll like to see a Nigeria where our kids can attend a public university and graduate in actually four years and not only be graduates, but be educated citizens that will create opportunities for themselves and not only wait on government. Will the next leader ensure that corruption decreases exponentially by actually prosecuting offenders? Will the next leader make it possible for Nigerians to have proper health care so much so that our leaders won’t have to go overseas for treatment? Nigerian Husband, will the next leader make it easy and possible for us a young couple to own a home?

I’m getting overwhelmed just thinking of these questions. Please Nigerian Husband, I just want a better life for my brother brother and the children we will someday have. Please make the right choice. Think through all the political nonsense floating around the place. Look at these candidates critically, access their leadership and the legacies they both have and make a sound decision. Put aside religious bigotry and choose a leader Nigerians need.

I have work to do.

Yours in marriage eventually,
Me.

You With the Big Behind!

My dear Nigerian Husband,

I have an issue!
See for the past year and a half or so, I’ve been working out like a crazy person, not only to be fit but I’ve been doing a whole lot of squats to try get my behind sculpted!

The issue is, it’s not been looking exactly how I’ve always envisioned.

About a month ago, I noticed this Spanish lady who just joined the gym. This woman who seem to have all the butt in the world just keeps moving it around the place and intimidating we small-butt ladies.

Nigerian Husband, who is she? And why is she doing more squats right in front of me? Why does she workout right next to me all the time, constantly reminding me that I have a long way to go before I get to her level!
I don’t like this type of butt bullying oh! Please tell her to go to another gym oh! This intimidation can’t and shouldn’t be allowed to continue.

I’m heading home, aerobics today wasn’t for the faint-hearted.

Bye!

To My Unborn Nigerian Daughter.

Dear Nigerian Daughter,
I’ve written your dad – The Nigerian Husband- several letters and he refused to reply a single one of them despite my threats of not cooking for him and the threat of many men coming at me.

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But of course, this has nothing to do with you. I’m writing you on an issue I faced as a young girl in my twenties and an issue you’ll face when you get to that age. I’m not worried though, you’ll heed to my advice.

You are a queen and never settle for anyone treating you less than the royalty you are.

See, my unborn daughter, when I was in my twenties, I made the terrible mistake of allowing a dude treat me less than a queen. Thankfully, I got out in time to realise my worth. You my dear, won’t have to deal with that.

Never for one day should you let any man make you think you’re not worth being chased. If he likes/loves you, he will do whatever it takes to show you. You won’t have to fight it out of him. NEVER DO THAT! If he likes/loves you, he will call you every single day, he will text you, he will be in touch, simple! (Well, in my days, we dealt with cellphones, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Facetime and the likes. I don’t expect you to keep up with all those old time social media platforms.) I digress.

If he is really into you, he’ll travel to wherever it takes to prove that to you. If he wants to be with you, he’ll do all it takes to be with you and if he doesn’t want to, he’ll make excuses.

You, my daughter, are worthy of love. You’re worthy of being chased by a man. You are worth being wooed!  You shall not settle for a man who thinks you must follow him. If you have to do all the calling and reaching out, child, you’re in the wrong relationship.

See during my time, at some point, I thought letting the guy do all the wooing was too traditional. What an error! You can be unconventional in allllllll areas of your life, but you must remain traditional when it comes to relationships, well not all areas, but most.

My Unborn Nigerian Daughter, you deserve to have a man who will pray with you and help you grow spiritually. If he doesn’t do that, then he may not have my blessing. I’m sure your father won’t approve either. You deserve a man who will kneel before God on your behalf. You are our princess, you deserve that. Never for once think you have to lower your standards to accommodate any man. If he wants you, he will upgrade his standards to meet you half way or even higher standards for you to look up to.

Listen child, there are many good men out there, don’t let the bad few make you give up. Heck, you won’t have to search is my whole point.

My Unborn Nigerian Daughter, you are Jollof Rice, don’t settle for anyone treating you like plain, bland white rice. Jollof rice takes time to prepare, but it comes out the best. Not everyone can make jollof rice. I may be up there in age, but I’m still perfecting the art of cooking Jollof Rice. Anyone can cook white rice (Well, almost everyone- it took me a while to get it right, but it’s easy nonetheless)

You my daughter, you’re garri soaked with milk, groundnuts, kuli kuli and lots of sugar, don’t let anyone treat you like plain, simple soaked garri without sugar. Child, you are Peak Milk, don’t let anyone treat you like common Cow Bell Milk. You are suya roasted by the best Bauchi man, don’t let anyone treat you like badly prepared fried chicken from Mr. Biggs.

You are my Princess and a queen to the right man. Don’t let anyone treat you any less!

Warm regards,

Your mother
P:S I won’t even let any of these happen to you. I’ll be watching you ALL the time. Any man who seeks you should know if they mess with you, they might not have two legs for the rest of their lives. I’m done.

Keep Calm and Eat Nigerian Meat Pies.

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Dear Nigerian Husband,
I trust all is well with you.

It’s 2015, and I plan on spending more time in the kitchen perfecting all the treats I hope you will some day enjoy.
I’ve always loved cooking but in the past year, I don’t think I cooked as much I would have liked. Usually, I cook when I’m in a good mood, it goes without saying that last year may not have been a great one in that regard.

Since the second week of December though, I’ve been cooking a lot more. I even made baked turkey for the first time. (There really is hope for the undomesticated young women out there after all. lol)

In my quest to try more meals and snacks, I made Nigerian meat pie for the first time a few weeks ago.

Last year (2013) by this time, I couldn’t even make chin chin, but look at me now, I’m making meat pies…

Dear Nigerian Husband, i reserved a couple of the lovely pies for you but you didn’t show up, so I gave all of them away. Don’t worry though, I made some more today. You can still have some. (Who am I kidding, you have a reputation of not showing up, so I’ll just give these away too.)

In case you’re trying to make some yourself, here’s a guide to make it. Keep in mind i’ve never really written a recipe for anyone to follow. Just use your common sense.

Here are the ingredients you’ll need –

Flour, butter, egg, baking powder, minced meat, onions, garlic, chopped carrots and peas, stock cubes ( As a Nigerian it’s a no-brainer that your choice will be Maggi or Knorr Cubes), Some curry and dried thyme leaves and potatoes.

First off, dice the potatoes, heat some oil in a pan or pot or whatever you feel like using really. Add some chopped onions and garlic if you like, fry slightly, then add your minced meat and then add your curry, thyme leaves and stock cubes. I don’t think I should tell you how long you should let the meat cook. You should know when the meat it ready. FInally add the potatoes, carrots and peas.

Let that cool for a bit.

Time to make your dough.

I just eye ball the ingredients for the dough. I’m pro enough to give you measurements and all that.

Pour you flour in a bowl, add baking powder and mix. Add your butter, and mix it in until the flour looks like bread crumbs then add one to two whisked eggs. Again mix until everything blends together, then add some water and knead until the dough becomes somewhat elastic.

(To be honest, writing down this recipe is exhausting. I think I’ll just stick to showing you pictures of what I make and when you finally show up, I’ll make them for you.)

It’s common sense that after your dough is ready, you roll some, cut out some circles, roll again with a rolling pin of course, then finally add some of that nice minced meat, close it in and then bake for as long as you want to.

I feel so out of my skin with this recipe. I’m done…lol wheeeew, I’d rather just cook and show off the pictures than cook and share the recipe

Bye.

To Myself, With Love.

In your face Santa!

In your face Santa!

Dear Nigerian Husband,
Firstly, I’ll like to apologize for not writing you for so long. In the second week of December, something seemingly bad (well, a blessing in disguise really) happened and I found myself emotionally incapable of writing you any letter. I’m doing better now, so I’m writing you sort of like an update.

By the way, happy new year. I had an uneventful New Year celebration, but hey… it’s 2015 and I’m happy, healthy and grateful to God.

Back to the matter.

After whatever occurred in the beginning of December happened, I thought Christmas was going to be a sad one like Christmas had been for the past four years. I just couldn’t imagine that happening, so I took things into my own hands,

And to heck with Santa Claus, I was not about to leave my Christmas excitement up to him. I live in the Caribbean, there’s no snow and as such he can’t possibly make his way down here.

For Christmas to be different, I needed to do things I had never done at Christmas time before. My apartment needed a face-lift, I’ve never had a Christmas tree in my apartment, I’ve never hosted Christmas lunch at my home and such.
Christmas had to be fun this year. For a change, I decided to get me a Christmas present first, then other things would follow.  It so happened I had to cover a street fair on VIrgin Gorda. that weekend. While taking pictures, I saw an item I thought would make a great present to myself. I knew you- my Nigerian Husband- weren’t going to be sending me any Christmas presents, so I had to do it myself.
I bought that item and wrapped it up a few days before Christmas and placed it under the tree I had already bought and decorated.

Before Christmas, I had invited a few friends to come over for lunch at my house. On the menu, i had baked ham, baked turkey, chin chin, salad, Jollof rice, corn and plantains. There was a lot for folks to drink. I ended up Christmas day with so much love and a few other presents under the tree for me.
All these preparations and celebrations aside, I was particularly glad for the reason of the season- the birth of Christ. I think Christmas should be a time to share and show love, so I decided to make my apartment a home and also share love with friends.

But that aside though, this Christmas for me, was a way of marking new beginnings, the start of happier times and the beginning of me loving myself more.

Dear Nigerian Husband, you can stay wherever you are if you want. You can also show up if you want to, but till then, I’ll continue doing things that make me happy. I’ve come to realize that if I can’t make myself happy, there’s nothing you can do to make me happy.

I still have my Christmas present under the tree. I’m still anxious to see what I bought myself for Christmas. lol

Live, love, laugh, fart out loud and be silly, life is too short.

Vou