The Ultimate Stalking Guide. Vol. 1.  

A few months ago, someone asked me if my frequent letters to the Nigerian Husband aren’t steering him away from finding me. I disagreed with that person.
But I’ve thought long and hard about that comment and I’m almost about to agree with the statement.

I’ve written, I’ve vented and I’ve complained to the Nigerian Husband. I’ve cooked for him- I’ve perfected my jollof rice, meatpie and chin chin cooking. I’ve refused advances from many men all because I’ve thought they aren’t up to the Nigerian Husband’s calibre.

I’m taking my attempts at finding the Nigerian Husband two notches up.

I’ve read that possibly, there isn’t such a thing as “Mr. Right.” Others have said you find a guy from the left and simply drag him to the right and yay!!! You have you a Mr. Right.

My new approach to finding the Nigerian Husband will be similar. I know there are a few others who may be searching for the Nigerian Husband, so I’ll just state my approach as advice to other Nigerian Husband hopefuls.

1- Have you seen a guy you like?
I was out on Friday with my colleagues when I saw two guys I know- a Zimbabwean and a Nigerian. I walked out to them and said hi. Considering it was a big gathering, I ended up around the Nigerian guy, who right away pointed at a dark and lovely looking guy and said “oh, by the way, he’s from Uganda.” He also pointed to another guy and said he too is African. To be honest, I can only remember the Ugandan, the other guy doesn’t matter neither does where he come from.
So what you do is, when and if you see a guy you like, make sure you’re in your best behavior when he’s around. Have fun, but not too much, while at the same time trying to get yourself noticed.

2- Obtain preliminary information.
Things like his name, his profession and place of abode will be crucial.  But you see, I didn’t get all that information. I only know he has a lovely smile, a fit looking body and almost most important of all, he had on a cologne that smelt like all the roses in the world combined, just a bit more masculine.  If you’re like me and missed out on getting preliminary information, don’t worry, step three will be helpful.

3- Who are your mutual friends?
In my case, our mutual friend is the Nigerian guy. Thing is, I don’t even know the Nigerian guy well enough. Again, don’t worry, in this day and age, something as trivial as Facebook friendship qualifies you two to consider yourselves friends. Your mutual friend could be a great window into your future with this guy you like. (it helps to have a great imagination, one that enables you to create a great future for you two. Like, imagine how your wedding to this handsome specimen will be. Will the emcee speak both Swahilli and some Nigerian languages? Will there be East African musicians or Nigerian musicians at your nuptials?  Imagination is paramount in such cases.) Now, you find out as much as you can from your mutual friend without appearing desperate or out of line. But if your mutual friend isn’t forthcoming with the information you need, refer to point 4.     4- Do you have Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or Skype?
Darling, in this day and age, there’s no excuse for not knowing these social media platforms provide way more classified information than the FBI.  If your mutual friend didn’t even think of telling you this crushee ‘s name, don’t worry! All you need to do is go to your mutual friend’s page. This might take some time, but what’s time compared to a life time in the company of this gentleman who smells so good?  Don’t waste any time, go to your mutual friend’s social media page. Search through his photos and you’re bound to find that super man somewhere.

5- Stare.
Yes, you read right. Trust me, it’s not as creepy as it sounds. By the way, this is between you and your computer and no one else but God. Once you find your crushee on social media following the aforementioned step (number 4), you proceed to stare at his photos. Does he have any photos of him with any girls? If yes, is there any girl that appears in more than 5 photos with two of them alone? If yes, this Ugandan specimen might not be worth the stalk! He doesn’t have any photos with any girls? Good! Now proceed to point 5.

5- Where does he hang out?
Now we’ve established he may not have a girl (based on social media PDA) you have to find out where he hangs out or where he works. (Be mindful though, most Africans in the diaspora almost always have one “good” girl or boy waiting on them in the motherland. But you just carefully decipher that for yourself.)  Now that you’ve found out where he hangs out and where he works, make plans to “accidentally” see him again.
If your offices happen to be close to eachother’s it might be a sign that you two are actually meant to be together. If it’s a lot farther than yours, the odds may not necessarily be in your favour.

6- He must have your number.
After you “accidentally” meet him on the way, ask him how he’s doing, how work is and all. But before you leave, be sure to ask if he regularly hangs out at that place you two first loved each other- sorry, that place he got introduced to you. Tell him you don’t usually hang out, but in the event he ever wants to hang, or heck, if he needs to know where the African store is, he can call you. ( it helps to be totally random, but we all know most African men love African food and would appreciate a sister who knows where the African shop is, or one who can even cook many  Nigerian/African meals. He can’t pass up on the opportunity to have your number based on this important attribute. I digress)

After he gets your number, that’s it, he most certainly will call because you mentioned African food/ African food store.  Whatever happens after that, keep it, don’t share it with your friends. Save it, you’ll need all the stories to tell during your wedding reception.

I know this was long, but you can thank me later for these tips, which I’ve offered at no cost at all to you!

Vou.

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27 thoughts on “The Ultimate Stalking Guide. Vol. 1.  

  1. BOL @ “you find a guy from the left and simply drag him to the right and yay!!! You have you a Mr. Right.”

    Is there an African store here?

    Happy Stalking!lol

    • Correct! Look out for The Ultimate Stalking Guide Vol. 2. I’m out to liberate the women held down by crushes for me ! We have to take what we want by force!

      • Haha ya I feel ready with this one but will wait for Vol. 2 in case there are more backup plans lol. Things just always seem to work for me around plan E or F…great thing there are many letters in the alphabet :p.

  2. Haha “you find a guy from the left and simply drag him to the right.” nice one! I am ibukun btw, new to wordpress please check out my blog, i will be posting soon 🙂

  3. Hehehe. Let me not come and be forming stalking virgin here sha. I had a crush on a dude for 6 years. Let’s just say it was not pretty. Stalking fails galore. Liking the picture from 2 years ago, I’m facepalming. Needless to say, I think I drove him off social media. At least I suspect I did. And he closed his Twitter page *massive sad face*. However, I have moved on. Enough to sputter and rant when I was falsely accused of stalking. It’s on Tendrils aka http://insearchofperfecthair.wordpress.com.
    Please write a volume 2 soon. Confirm your invaluabeness to your readers. P.s- please write a disclaimer on the next post oh! If that dude that is stalking me reads this and manages to catch me, I will hold you responsible in a court of law. P.P.S- I am a lawyer.

    • Oh sweetheart, by your comment, I can see you totally suck at this noble art of stalking. Don’t worry, you don’t have to ask twice, The Ultimate Stalking Guide, Vol. 2 will come your way shortly! There is hope for all of us! Those men shall be found, and they shall be stalked. Enjoy 🙂

  4. i remember answering a call on that day, the voice made me beautiful music and my body couldn’t refuse the dance… the day went by but it was the best i remembered. thanks to this wonderful and amazing friend i have, making me laugh through her ever-losing-challenge thinking she can out-do me in that cooking duel…(you wish miss Gyang). And don’t think i’ve given up cos I’m coming at you real soon. Grazie Rookie Bee for being such a great and kind friend.

  5. Lol..great read as always..i see this our nigerian husband issue has really gone up a notch..wherever you are bro,u better reveal yourself..

  6. Pingback: Ultimate Stalking Guide Vol. 2 | Vou Vents

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