The Ultimate Stalking Guide. Vol. 2

Ladies, (or gentlemen)

There’s no time for long pleasantries, we’ve got a pressing matter before us.


This 2016, we will be seizing the bae aka The Nigerian Husband, by force. He will hide, but we will find him.

This year, our photo must be on all the wedding pages on Instagram – Bella Naija Weddings, Wedding Digest, Nigerian Weddings, you name it. All those girls getting married do they have two heads? All those witches and wizards in our villages holding our husbands hostage must release them this year.

I digress, pardon me.

If you remember, last year I was kind enough to share with you some very important tips on how to go about getting your bae. (Follow the tips at your own risk. I mean, look at me, I’m yet to see the Nigerian Husband)

However, I have sufficient reason and material to present to you The Ultimate Stalking Guide. Vol. 2

In the last guide, we discussed how to spot the Nigerian Husband, how you act when you see him, finding out what he does, where he works, who your mutual friends are, looking him up on the human encyclopedia and such.

Volume 2 is somewhat different.

On Friday, I saw the subject of our discussion in Volume 1.

On my way home from the office, my colleague and I stopped by a cafe/pub/ hang out spot close to us. As we walked through the garden to the bar, I saw him – the fine Ugandan male specie. I didn’t even have to see the face to recognize him. His well sculpted back gave him away, plus the shirt he was wearing- a shade of purple-  is my favorite color.

Here’s what you do when you come across the object of your admiration;

1- Stay Calm.
That was such a difficult thing for me to do. I was almost hyperventilating. Don’t worry though, I played it safe. We walked past him and I didn’t utter a word, neither did he. In most cases, your crushes won’t always reciprocate the crush.

2- Observe.
There’s really no need to rush anything at all. What I did was, I picked a stool not to far away and I just observed. From my observation, he appears to be a man of class. He wore a nice watch, the brand wasn’t too obvious. He wore a very nice brown suede shoe. His hair cut wasn’t that bad either.

3- Observe some more.
Do not, I repeat, do not be quick to go ask if he remembers you from your first and most impactful encounter. If you do so, you might screw up your chances of seeing how he really interacts with others. Well, ladies, as I sat there, some girl, who looks like she didn’t take her mother’s home training seriously, came by. Our fine male specie went ahead to hug her in some kind of manner. (I wasn’t even jealous or anything, I promise). While observing, you use your ears as well. From my observation aka eavesdropping,  I heard him introduce  the girl as his “some incoherent word.” But we all know he wasn’t serious right? He doesn’t know it yet, but he will end up with a Nigerian ( could be me, could be me or it could be me). The girl was wearing a short skirt. Which properly trained girl will do that? Doesn’t she know the bae would rather have a long-maxi-skirt- wearing African girl like me? Doesn’t she know he’s been programmed to go after the one who will dance Shoki, etighe, azonto many African dances at his wedding? The one who can cook him good African dishes? 
I just don’t get it with these girls. Thankfully though, this guide should help.

4- Assess the Situation.
After my observation and assessment of the short encounter,I came to a few conclusions; he likes wine. I do too and that’s a perfect recipe for the big African family we will have. He appeared to be a people person. He had a lot of people flock around him. There’s nothing so exciting as knowing the future Nigerian Husband is a people person.

More conclusions;
In your quest to snatch the bae in 2016, you must always keep in mind a few things.

A- Appear Your Best.
As much as I still think that girl wearing the shirt dress didn’t take her home training seriously and didn’t deserve to be introduced as his “some incoherent word,” I still think I could have better introduced and presented myself. Imagine, he didn’t bat an eyelash. I must learn to follow my instinct. When I woke up that morning, something in my guts told me to dress to kill, but instead I followed the lazy voice that led me to wear the first thing I laid my hands on.

Next time, I shall be wearing Ankara for sure. My head will be wrapped and I’ll possibly be carrying a calabash.

Next time, we know where he hangs out, we know he likes wine, that girl wore short skirt.

She who knows better, acts better.

P.S
This disclaimer has no cause being here, but you never know. I write these Nigerian Husband posts to entertain myself and then others. It’s never that serious, but really though, in 2016, we are seizing the bae! And there may or may not be a Nigerian Husband already.

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