Your Wedding Emcee. 

Dear Nigerian Husband,

Get your people ready. Let them bring plam wine and come greet my people; I am ready for marriage.

I attended a Nigerian/Caribbean Wedding yesterday and not only was it my very first time wearing the gele – and smashing it, thanks – but I was among the very few Nigerian women there in gele.

I think that alone qualifies me for a lifetime of bearing Beautiful Nigerian babies, wearing the latest lace to every gathering and making you lifetime supply of Jollof rice.  No, this isn’t debatable, let’s move on to the next point.

Please look at this picture and if it doesn’t show you how ready I am, I shall give another man the honour of bringing palm wine to my people. That’s about it on the topic of my readiness for marriage, for now.
My Dear Nigerjan Husband, I was not only a guest at this wedding, but the bride and groom, whatever they were thinking, decided to make me the emcee!

My days!

When they called me to request my services – that sounds good, I should add ‘Emcee Services’ to my résumé – I couldn’t help but wonder why they chose me.

To be honest, if I were them, I wouldn’t even remotely consider asking me to emcee at my wedding! Lol

But hey! Being the hardworking and ready to conquer Nigerian Wife ‘aspiree’ I am, I couldn’t say no to the task.

I spent the last two days thinking of jokes I could say to entertain the guests. I host poetry Open Mic every month, but that crowd isn’t the same as a wedding gathering. I was worried I’d carry my very casual Open Mic hosting style to a wedding. This couple will remember this day for the rest of their lives, I couldn’t mess it up.

So I prayed. Yes, I spent some time praying that God would help me be a responsible host, an entertaining one and one that wouldn’t embarrass God and my Nigerian Husband.

Dear Nigerian Husband, God came through. I hosted the wedding and it appeared I pleased the Bride and Groom, the difficult to please Nigerian crowd as well as the Caribbean guests.

As the poet that I is, ( haven’t you seen Nkechi’s commentaries on Instagram?) I had to recite a couple of poems for the couple.

We scored.

But I couldn’t help but notice there are some types of guests I wouldn’t want at my wedding. I’ll only speak about about one set, Nigerian Husband.

Those who think it should be about them instead of the couple.

During cocktail hour, one guest – a former government official – approached me.

“Where are those people?” he asked me of the couple.

“They are taking their time,” I replied.

“I don’t have a lot of that,” he replied. My jaw almost dropped at his sense of self importance.

Sorry your royal highness, Dr. I’m-Doing-Them-A-Favour-By-Being-Here. How dare the couple do whatever they want on their day?

But I didn’t tell him that.

“Well, they do. It’s their day,” I told him.

Throughout the reception, I didn’t even look at his corner for once.

But of course the day wouldn’t have been complete without those who’ll feel the need to have you married at the next available date.

At the end of the ceremony when a number of us Nigerians stayed back to help clean up, the President of the Nigerian Association, in passing said, “very soon we will gather for another wedding.” We all smiled.

But this oversabi doctor looks at me with a straight face and came really close to my face and goes “spinster!”

Please, I’m not in the business of giving people what to think! Make of that sentence whatever you wish!  For me, I was in shock.

Hahaha, people no longer gossip behind your back, they just plain out spell out your singlehood bare before you! God is looking at all this people who want me to be married by force. Lol

Nigerian Husband, I’m done. But please take a look at that photograph again and may it spur you to gather your kingsmen to bring palm wine and greet my people.

Yours respectfully and in marriage, eventually,

Nigerian Wife.


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