Tag Archive | Marriage

Protecting My Husband. 

Dear Nigerian Husband,

You’re God’s gift to me and as gratitude and respect to God, I vow to take care of you however possible. Hence, the reason for this letter. 

Over the past days, I’ve been thinking of ways to protect you from the elements of this world. I promise, these might sound a bit crazy, but nothing good comes easy and believe me, it’s all for our own good – a happy family.

There are a few things I’m going to be steering you clear off:

Sugar –  Sugar is bad, very bad for you. Until we meet, please don’t take any, not even a teaspoon. We’ve heard one too many songs about women being the sugar in their partners’ tea. My love, I’m the only sugar in your tea, you’re not allowed to Continue reading

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I Can See My Husband.

Dear Nigerian Husband,

Towards the end of 2015, I began to doubt if you exist and why you’re taking forever to show up. I also wondered if your parents really did raise you right and all that jazz.

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But being the good girl I am and the amazing Nigerian wife I know I will be, I decided to turn all that criticism inwards. I made the decision to look within and see what I was doing wrong.

You’re a good man, from a good family and as such, you’ve been taught never to keep women waiting.
After weeks of introspection, I got an epiphany. The reason you’re not here with me is Continue reading

Old Spinster! 

imageHallelujah I’m not in Nigeria surrounded by the “You’re-next -aunties,” and I’m not attending any weddings where I’ll be constantly reminded of the need to get married. I’m only a few years below 30, but best believe this means nothing to those who think once you’re over 24 you should be in a marital home.

Anyway, that aside, I’ve just been thinking how boring and old I’m getting. I went to a magic show this evening and at the end of it all, I realized I barely laughed and I was very skeptical of the tricks that I couldn’t enjoy them. I’m sure younger me would have found those tricks really cool!  But at this age, I’m too old to believe half of that bullocks!

I came back home, showered and sat down to watch YouTube videos with a glass of Moscato.

Boys and girls, I’m sure my fellow unmarried mates are out there having a good time, possibly socializing with friends or even dancing. But no, I’m here watching The Ellen show and thinking of what recipe to try next!  Also, watching the show and removing “excess water” in my eyes looking at those feel-good features and gift givings on The Ellen Show.

(Dear Nigerian Husband, biko take your time, there are still a number of meals I haven’t learnt to cook yet. I don’t intend on having you eating out all the time)

Since Christmas, I notice I’ve been so domesticated. I’ve been cleaning more than usual, cooking and baking more and generally being a Martha Stewart.

I think the only thing left is for me to get some cats and rekindle my love for knitting, then start hosting tea parties!

Boys and girls, here’s a toast to being old at a really young age.

Sorry guys, it’s almost midnight, I should be asleep. I have to go to the gym in the morning!

Could I Be A Lesbian???

I love to poke fun at my life, so please don’t take this too seriously, but if you do, I feel sorry for you! lol

Nigerian Husband (Please notice the absence of “Dear.”)

You’re taking this thing too far now. I recall a few months ago, I wrote tophoto-4 you when some guy disrespected me while walking to the office. I also remember writing to you when you refused to show up to bid me a romantic farewell at the airport in Barbados in July.

Something painfully disappointing happened again this morning. This might be the last letter I will write reporting my bad experiences with men who are disrespectful and uncouth.

I left the office to go get me a drink when this guy who works at a law firm not too far from mine stopped to interrogate me.

So this guy who I hardly know and have never said a word to beyond “good morning,” seems very concerned about my personal life. Surely, he should be privy to what I do outside work, i mean, our offices aren’t too far away from each other, he should and must be entitled to such information.

Just when I thought I had heard the most ridiculous questions there could ever be, this man asked “so do you have a boyfriend?” My reply was no. It didn’t stop there. “So why don’t you have any?” he added.
I politely told him that wasn’t on my radar at the moment and then he dropped the bomb… “So are you into men or women?” Continue reading

I Found Mr. Right!

Actually, scrap that, “Mr. Right” found me.
Calm down The Contender, ( who am I kidding, I hope that headline made you almost jump off a cliff…lol)

“Mr. Right” found me this morning. One of the very few issues is, he’s not a Nigerian. He’s of Indian descent – nothing close to what I’ve imagined the Nigerian Husband to look like. No big deal though, he’ll still be referred to as the Nigerian Husband.

This man also appears to lack the level of intellect I’ve ways wanted in the Nigerian Husband. He could hardly hold a conversation beyond his mysogynistic mind- again an attribute the Nigerian Husband knows nothing of!

Let me spare you all the long chase.

On my way to town this morning, this “Mr. Right” stopped to give me a lift to town. I wasn’t on the active side of life this morning and simple things like making myself a healthy breakfast was no where on my to do list. My plan was to not lift a finger. But hey, a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do right? ( that’s a stupid phrase Vou)

Anyways, the first thing this “Mr. Right” who I think might be as old as Methuselah said was “do you remember me?”

Immediately, I started scanning through my mental archives of faces I’ve seen and possibly people I’ve had a conversation with. The archive has loads and loads of faces, most of which I wish I can delete and meetings I wish I never had. Lol

There was no way on earth I could remember his face. If I had written an interesting piece about him for the paper, I would have remembered. But hey, this good, old grandpa looking “Mr. Right,” was giving me a lift so I had to at least “remember” his face.
So I said yes! But not yes to remembering his name.

Well, according to this man, the first time he met me, we had a conversation along the lines of me marrying him. (This marriage thing done teeeey oh! Lol)

I was like “what?” That was when he decided to come clean and tell me he was joking! He had to be “Mr. Right.” It takes a genius to come up with such a brilliant conversation starter.

“Mr. Right” went on further to detail most of his life’s story including which restaurants he owns in town, how his wife is fighting him for one of them and which restaurant he’s about to acquire. Oh, he’s about to get a divorce! Perfect! Just what I envisioned for my Nigerian Husband.

I don’t think there are many men as good as this man! He already promised to get me my own car as soon as we start dating and seeing each other exclusively!
I mean, I can’t pass up on this opportunity on being with “Mr. Right!”

He couldn’t understand how a “good looking” woman like me wasn’t married and lived alone! I totally adored the way he lustily stared at me from head to toe as he spoke. How classy!

I’m in awe of his confidence and guts! He straight up told me he’s my “Mr. Right!” And I must look no further.
When I got to my destination, he gave me his number and ordered me to call him for another lift when I’m done with my errands in town.

Move over Contender, I found “Mr. Right.” No, forget that, he found me.

Seriously, I’m done! Lol I can’t take these silly old men hanging loose around the place! They should really be standing as fathers in the community and not predators looking to pounce on the next available “loose,” single and living-alone young lady!

My Dear Nigerian Husband, I hope you’re taking these my stories seriously!

Bye, I need to find a taxi to take me home.

Your Nigerian Wife.

“If You’re Disappointed…”

photo-4Dear Nigerian Husband,

It’s been a while I wrote to you.

I’ll make this short. Just like you, I’m working hard to make sure we both live comfortable lives. (I have stories waiting to be written and production day is tomorrow.)
I’m a bit disappointed with you. You’re lurking around for too long and you’re refusing to show your face.

For the past three or more months, I’ve had several men- whose calibre can’t be compared to yours at all- ask me if I’m married, if I have a boyfriend and if I have kids. I’ve been respectful just as you’ d want me to be. I’ve not told anyone of them off yet.

Listen, I’m not rushing you at all. Rushing you means I’ll be rushing myself as well. And we both know you’ll arrive when we are both ready to handle each other.

This morning though, I almost gave one a not-so nice reply. He saw me walking to the office peacefully and nodding my head to some reggae music and asked “so you aint’ married yet?”

Honestly, I wasn’t in the mood to answer such a question, so I lied… (shame) and said I was married.

His response- “Well, that’s good but if and when you get disappointed, I will be right here waiting on you.”

Dear Nigerian Husband, just as I’m working on making myself agood house wife, I hope, no scratch that! I know you’re working super hard on being the man of my dreams. These men have no regard for you.
Even before your arrival, they are already plotting to take your place!

You have to do something about men like these. You can’t have them disrespecting your future Nigerian Wife.

I’m done!

Yours in marriage (eventually)

Vou