Tag Archive | Sarcasm

Protecting My Husband. 

Dear Nigerian Husband,

You’re God’s gift to me and as gratitude and respect to God, I vow to take care of you however possible. Hence, the reason for this letter. 

Over the past days, I’ve been thinking of ways to protect you from the elements of this world. I promise, these might sound a bit crazy, but nothing good comes easy and believe me, it’s all for our own good – a happy family.

There are a few things I’m going to be steering you clear off:

Sugar –  Sugar is bad, very bad for you. Until we meet, please don’t take any, not even a teaspoon. We’ve heard one too many songs about women being the sugar in their partners’ tea. My love, I’m the only sugar in your tea, you’re not allowed to Continue reading

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He unfollowed me on Instagram; my life is over! 

I woke up early this morning knowing I have a packed day and as such didn’t make any provision for folks messing with my time. 

I got to my 9 a.m appointment and the guy wasn’t there. Mind you, I was there to photograph this group of guys as a favor. One would imagine they would bend backwards to accommodate me, but no, I had to be doing the bending. It’s 2015, I’m done with that, but I still managed to tap into my good side and scheduled another time with them.

Moved to my next appointment, which was scheduled to start at 9 a.m. I got there at about 9:30 and they were no where close to beginning.

To calm my nerves, I took a selfie and posted it on Instagram. (Yes, I’m sometimes vain like that. It has nothing to do with the fact that I feel beautiful today or anything to do with the purple wrap dress I have on. Thanks) Posted the photo and carried on with myassignment.

Got back to the office and saw instagram notifications. A number of likes and one comment. This comment was from a friend of mine in Nigeria informing me that he had unfollowed me.

My life instantly fell apart! How could he unfollow me, doesn’t he know my life revolves round instagram and the number of followers I have? How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing I have one less follower? How can he be this cruel?

I need to formally apologise to this guy for not following him back in the first place. I need to apologise for not finding his life and Instagram content interesting enough.

Life will never be the same until he follows me back!

I’m putting all my articles on hold until I rectify this issue.

Is this post sarcastic enough?

Vou

Wild and Heartless; All You Africans

Yup, that’s what a lot of people think… I think my flat mate is one of such people.

So I just got home less than 15 minutes ago and I decided to go check in on my landlord’s kid as his dad is away.
Upon getting to my landlord’s apartment, I met my flatmate.
“Guys, come and see the most craziest and coolest videos ever,” he said.

Before the video began, he said “Oh it’s from Africa.” (As if that’s one reason every must watch)

It was a video of some leopard swimming/floating in some river.
I immediately asked him if it was gruesome, as I try not to watch anything horrible or anything that’ll have me mad.

His response just made me walk away. (Trying to put some ignorant person in their place after such a long day wasn’t on my agenda for the night.)

“C’mon Vou, you can handle it. You’re African!”

So there you have it. All Africans can handle gruesome videos. You can stand watching people being torn apart by animals. As an African, you know too much about animals of the wild! For pleasure, you enjoy seeing things being killed. You’ve got no heart and don’t like animals.

Basically, you’re African and you’re heartless and primitive.

I’m done. I need to go shower, have some dinner, finish up some office work and sleep.

I can’t deal with ignorance this night.