Tag Archive | Stalker

Protecting My Husband. 

Dear Nigerian Husband,

You’re God’s gift to me and as gratitude and respect to God, I vow to take care of you however possible. Hence, the reason for this letter. 

Over the past days, I’ve been thinking of ways to protect you from the elements of this world. I promise, these might sound a bit crazy, but nothing good comes easy and believe me, it’s all for our own good – a happy family.

There are a few things I’m going to be steering you clear off:

Sugar –  Sugar is bad, very bad for you. Until we meet, please don’t take any, not even a teaspoon. We’ve heard one too many songs about women being the sugar in their partners’ tea. My love, I’m the only sugar in your tea, you’re not allowed to Continue reading


The Ultimate Stalking Guide. Vol. 2

Ladies, (or gentlemen)

There’s no time for long pleasantries, we’ve got a pressing matter before us.

This 2016, we will be seizing the bae aka The Nigerian Husband, by force. He will hide, but we will find him.

This year, our photo must be on all the wedding pages on Instagram – Bella Naija Weddings, Wedding Digest, Nigerian Weddings, you name it. All those girls getting married do they have two Continue reading

The Ultimate Stalking Guide. Vol. 1.  

A few months ago, someone asked me if my frequent letters to the Nigerian Husband aren’t steering him away from finding me. I disagreed with that person.
But I’ve thought long and hard about that comment and I’m almost about to agree with the statement.

I’ve written, I’ve vented and I’ve complained to the Nigerian Husband. I’ve cooked for him- I’ve perfected my jollof rice, meatpie and chin chin cooking. I’ve refused advances from many men all because I’ve thought they aren’t up to the Nigerian Husband’s calibre.

I’m taking my attempts at finding the Nigerian Husband two notches up.

I’ve read that possibly, there isn’t such a thing as “Mr. Right.” Others have said Continue reading

Stay Away…

So before I go on with this post, let’s just put this out there that I’m almost not capable of carrying out this threats. What’s the point of having an imagination if it can’t produce silly ideas sometimes… Anyways, let’s get on with it!

Dear Lady At The Party,

The other day, The Nigerian Husband and I were out dancing and I noticed the way you stared at him and even proceeded to dance with him!
You’re really lucky he was off his leash that day and as such I just looked on.

Let’s get this clear! I won’t say this again!
In the event he happens to be out dancing without me, ( which is almost never,) I shall be lenient enough to allow you the sacred privilege of dancing with him. However, there are many rules you must have in your mind. I shall only name a few, may these guide you and you discern the rest!

1- You’re allowed to dance with The Nigerian Husband as long as you’re at one end of the dance hall and he is on the opposite extreme end.

2- In the event you disobey the first rule, you might be allowed to dance a few feet away from him. You can do so ONLY if the dance floor is crowdy. ( Look girl, if I were you, I wouldn’t wanna gamble with my life by getting that close.)

3- I know for sure you won’t break the first two rules. You love yourself too much. But should you be so daring by dancing less than 2 feet away from this good man of mine, my dear girl, I strongly advice that your dance moves replicate that of a nun who has just professed her religious vows. Having difficulties understanding that? Well, I simply mean you should be wearing a frock and not backing my Nigerian Husband. You shall not sway your hips from side to side.

This is a family blog (…not) and as such , I dare not explain in details the way you danced with him the other day!
Shey you think I’m not woman enough and I can’t dance like you. See don’t repeat that again, my friend,
fear God and also cherish your life, stay away from him on the dance floor while I perfect those moves I saw you performed.

Yours jealously,
The Nigerian Husband’s stalker!

My goodness, I need to see a shrink!